It's OK Not To Be OK
I’d be lying if I said I have everything together and figured out. For the last three years, I thought I was finally over the Himalayan-esque mountains that were my fight with self-esteem, self-worth, depression, and anxiety. If the last two weeks of quarantine and isolation have proven anything, I am not even near the summit nor I am “walk in the park” to be with.
Upon the moment of being Dr. Yandle for the first time after the successful defense of my dissertation in October, I thought the magical gates of endless opportunities would swing open and I would skip off into the sunset. Instead, in a matter of hours, I found the post-dissertation blues. I felt lost after the three-plus years of my life I gave to academia to get better.
A month later, my confidence was shattered when I was not brought back as an adjunct professor at Southeastern Louisiana University. A decision by the department’s interim chair who had never met me decreed he didn’t need me. I found out by reading the course schedule for the next semester.
Since finishing school, I switched my focus to getting published in the academic world. Sounds like a great idea, right? It’s the hardest thing to do. I have three papers sitting at various academic journals since January. Nothing. So it only stands to reason that I am continuing to doubt my value in academia and if I’ll ever find a professor job because since I don’t have a list of publications the length of a CVS receipt, no school will be interested in me.
I’m like Karen and Sharon who are posting their Pinterest-perfect schedules and activity logs for their children during this COVID-19 pandemic when schools are closed. If my kids don’t want to do school work or educational activities during this unplanned time away from school, then I’m not going to force them to do so. It’s not fair to force them into doing something when I’m not mentally prepared to enforce it.
What I thought would have been my seminal moment as an author in March with my appearance at the New Orleans Book Festival ended with the book festival being canceled (and understandably so) and me staring at a box of 50 books to sell and $300 in marketing materials…all with nowhere to go.
Over the last few months, I’ve sent more than 100 media pitches to magazines, newspapers, TV stations, radio stations, and podcast hosts. I’ve only received three responses to my queries - one was a rejection, one was accepted, and one was an offer to write an Op-Ed that may or may not be published.
Years ago, I made the mistake of aligning my value, self-worth, my identity, and my purpose with my job. A decade ago, when I was in athletic communications at Baylor University, it was my identity. I was the over-achieving staff member who wanted to learn as much as possible and be the best he could be. This desire has festered and spread its tentacles in my mind since then and it resulted in me constantly chasing the next thing.
What am I good at?
Where will I be valued the most?
What do I fit in?
Why am I not viewed as a resource or a valuable asset?
These questions constantly go through my mind every single day. How do I fit in?
I tried to fit these constant questions by being what my kids needed…or at least trying to be. After penning some 500 notes to my daughter Addison since 2017, I’m getting close to empty. Are these words helpful to her? Am I a fraud who simply trying to overcome impostor syndrome by being something I am not?
After all of this nonsense, I’m here to say IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK because no matter how hard I try to put others before me or try to help fight the negativity we face, I’m left deflated and emotionally exhausted at the end of each day for the last two weeks.
It’s hard. I can only hope it gets a little easier from here.
